session 23 eliminating stress and
tension we said over and over again that
the success personality is the generally
optimistic positive happy cheerful if
you like outgoing personality we've also
said from the very beginning that much
of what you are today is learned that
most of your habits your values your
attitudes your expectations your
behaviors your personality qualities and
attributes have been learned by a
process of input repetition selective
perception over and over again until you
become the person that you are we've
also said that everything that you have
today in your life tangible and
intangible you have attracted to
yourself because of the person you are
you can attract more because you can
change the person that you are in the
last session we talked about negative
emotions being the major obstacle that
stands between you and happiness health
joy and fulfillment in life and in this
session I want to talk to you about the
conditions that predispose you and me to
being negative we know that stress and
tension and negative emotions are
subject to the law of cause and effect
in other words for every effect in our
life there's a specific cause if you
have tension if you have stress if you
have negative emotions just like if you
have any physical ailment there's a
specific cause and we can trace it back
and in this session I'm going to show
you how to become your own
psychotherapist I'm going to give you
six keys to self-awareness self-
understanding self-development so that
whenever you feel unhappy or stressed or
fearful or anxious or anything other
than joyous and positive and happy
whenever you feel that way you will be
able to go through these six and do an
evaluation of yourself and be your own
psychotherapist and in 95 to 99% of
cases you'll be able to identify exactly
what it is that's troubling you and
remove it so let's go to the board as I
say in my estimation after years and
years and thousands of hours I think
there's six primary conditions that
cause us to feel stressed and tense and
predispose us to negative emotions
remember negative emotions are merely
the outward expression of an inward
condition if we can correct the inward
condition we can correct the outward
expression so number one starting point
of negativity in my estimation top of
the list headed to hit parade is a lack
of meaning and purpose in life a lack of
meaning and
purpose in fact in every study that I've
looked at we find that human beings in
order to be happy need significance they
need to feel that their life has meaning
they need to feel that there's a reason
for being alive they need to feel that
they're going in a particular direction
so a lack of meaning and purpose leads
to a lack of
Direction and I said earlier that one of
the most most profound observations of
The Human Condition is that we are all
goal-seeking
organisms that we are only happy when
we're moving progressively toward the
direction of something that's important
Earl Nightingale said that happiness is
the progressive realization of a worthy
ideal or goal so as soon as we don't
have a worthy ideal or goal we start to
drift we start to go in circles and we
start to become unhappy so lack of
meaning and purpose means a lack of
goal we talked through throughout this
session how important it is that you
have goals how important it is that you
write them down how important is that
you think about them how important is
that you work on them every day because
it is goals that give meaning purpose
Direction power enthusiasm and drive to
your life now if you want a very simple
test all you have to do is look at the
times of your life when you felt the
very best now or some other time and
you'll find invariably you were working
progressively towards something that was
important for you you also can test this
by looking at people around you who are
not happy and a good friend of mine has
a very simple test whenever somebody
comes to them and they're unhappy for
any reason at all he says to them he
said he says what are your goals in life
where do you want to be in one two three
four five years and you know what he
finds he finds in 80 90% of cases people
who are unhappy have no goals and the
flip side is also true in 80 to 90% of
cases people who are happy are people
with clear specific goals so we've
talked a lot about this setting goals
writing them down making plans for their
accomplishment and working progressively
toward the accomplishment of even a
small goal will straighten you out will
lift you up will make you positive and
enthusiastic faster than anything else
that you can do in fact what Victor
Frankle found in his work in logotherapy
is that if you have a meaning if you
have a reason you will live sometimes 10
20 30 years longer than than people who
don't the average life expectancy by the
way of people in America who retire
without goals is 14 months interesting
14 months uh and people who with goals
can live 25 or 30 years number two
second reason or condition that
predisposes us to tension and stress is
what is called the incomplete
action the incomplete action is when we
engage in an action or a behavior that
is not finished it's just partially
finished when we start a job and don't
finish it when we uh start a task or we
start to write out our goals and we
leave it there is within the human
psyche what is called an urge to
completion this urge to completion makes
us very uncomfortable when we have work
left undone in fact this incomplete
action really works well in our behalf
especially if we have set priorities and
what we're working on is important and
contributes something big problem occurs
by the way is if we don't set priorities
if we don't have our goals clearly
organized and we don't set priorities we
can be doing things that are not
important to us but we can still feel
stress stressed out because we're
leaving them hanging we still feel
stressed out because we are
procrastinating and as you know
procrastination is not only a thief of
time and life procrastination is a major
source of stress we put off a task and
we put off a task and we become more and
more stressed because it's urge to
completion drives us and yet this urge
to procrastinate holds us
back every single completed Act is a
source of self-esteem and motivation
every single time you complete an action
of any kind whether it's washing the
dishes and cleaning up the sink mowing
the lawn putting together a major
proposal getting a degree getting
married or starting and building a
successful business every single time
you complete an action your self-esteem
goes up because you feel like a winner
you feel like a winner every single time
you do something that has a beginning
and an end it's called the feeling of
earned success the feeling of
achievement it makes us feel terrific
now every single time you engage in an
act that you don't finish it's like
running in a race where you don't finish
and you feel like a loser so the rule is
this do it now do it now do it now get
on with it get working get busy complete
these actions this brings us to a
special case of the incomplete action
which psychologists call unfinished
business unfinished business is a major
source of stress for you and for I that
happens all the time unfinished business
business occurs when you get into a
relationship with another person or
persons and the relationship ends
sometimes unpleasantly but it's still
dragging on now the two most common
examples of Unfinished Business are
romantic relationships that end but
they're not over yet and business
relationships where you lose a job or
you're fired from a job or you quit a
job but you have not let go of it with
regard to the first romantic
relationships there are three keys to
dealing with the end of a romantic Rel
relationship when it's over number one
is to remember this is that nobody can
ever have any effect on your emotions
unless there is still something that you
want from them in other words if you
don't want anything from someone else if
you don't want their love their respect
their money or something else they can't
have any control over you as soon as you
don't want anything from someone else
the emotional component is torn and
you're free of them the way that you
deal with an a finished marriage or a
finished relationship is very simple I
just throw this in quickly three steps
number one it's called writing the
letter and thousands of people have
taken this advice and now they teach
this in courses all over the country you
write a letter to that person in the
write letter you write three things
number one is you write I accept 100%
responsibility for our relationship and
for everything that happened in it you
are responsible as an adult you take
responsibility you got into a
relationship you stayed in the
relationship or the job or whatever else
would happened to be but let's limit
this to a relationship now number two is
you
forgive the other person 100% for
everything they ever did that hurt you I
forgive you for everything you ever did
or said that hurt me and number three
you wish them well wish him or her
well and then mail the
letter mail the letter with the right
address and the right Postage and the
instant that you mail the letter your
life will change if you know anybody
who's going through a difficult
relationship or the breakdown of a
relationship put them through this
simple exercise have them mail the
letter and the instant the letter drops
in the post box the life will change
it'd be like an enormous burden is
lifted off your shoulders I had a very
good friend a woman who was fired from a
job with a large financial institution
and she was going to sue that company
and she was going to sue them for 18
months at severant and she was going to
get them and so on and so forth and I
asked her I said she was really angry I
said what are your chances of winning
she said well maybe 50 60% I said how
long will it take she said at least 18
months maybe 2 years I said what kind of
a mental state are you going to be in
for that period of time I said can you
get another job she said no I couldn't
get another job because that would
weaken my case in court I said why don't
you just let it go and walk away from it
and get on with something else because
it's just not worth it you know she took
my advice and within three months she
had a better job at a better salary with
a better position she wrote me a card
she said it was the best advice she ever
had so if you're in a situation of
Unfinished Business business or you find
yourself in one the solution is finish
it get rid of it have done with it okay
number three
reason what causes or the third
condition that causes you and I an
enormous amount of stress is fear of
failure our old friend fear of
failure fear of failure which as we know
is a conditioned response goes back to
Childhood goes back to our parents
saying no don't stop get away from there
punishing they're punishing us for
trying new things different things
reemerges in adult life as this fear of
trying this fear of attempting something
new this deep down feeling that settles
in the pit of the stomach whenever we
contemplate a major change fear of
failure can be dealt with in two simple
ways number one is the beautiful quote
from Mark Twain says do the thing you
fear and the death of fear is certain do
the thing you fear and the death of fear
is
certain this is what is called
systematic
desensitization if you're afraid of cold
calling just get out and do it until you
don't think about it anymore if you are
afraid of speaking publicly in front of
an audience or selling or doing anything
just get out and do the thing you fear
over and over again until finally you
reach the point where it doesn't disturb
you at all thousands even millions of
men and women who've been terrified of
public speaking have been able to force
themselves to get up in front of small
groups and then larger and larger groups
and eventually reach the point where
they're unafraid to do their thing they
fear and what paralyzed them at one time
doesn't bother them at all anymore so do
the thing you fear confront the fear
face the fear deal with the fear
remember that the fear is only a
negative mental habit pattern that you
can eliminate by facing it and doing it
over and over again until it's gone now
the second thing that you can do very
very simple affirmation that you can use
to eliminate the fear of failure is this
is repeat whenever you think of the fear
situation whenever you feel the physical
manifestation the anxiety the stress the
quickening heart rate whenever you feel
think of the fearful situation say over
and over to yourself very strongly I can
I can do it I can do it I can do it I
can do it and whenever you see someone
else who is going through fear and
uneasiness someone in your family one of
your friends tell them that too see you
can do it you can do it you can do it
every single one of us has been
encouraged to do something that has been
um momentous in our lives because
someone else believed that we could so
say I can do it and then encourage
everybody you know who has a goal and
say to them you can do it I can do it
you can do it but whenever you feel this
tension you'll find a remarkable thing
if you say I can I can I can I can do it
I can do it I can do it or I think I can
I think I can I know I can when you
repeat this you will find that this
message emotionalized coming from the
conscious mind to the subconscious hits
the other message of I can't I can't I
can't coming up and it drives it down
and the more emotion you put into I can
do it I can do it I can do it the weaker
and weaker becomes the I can't I can't
and eventually the stronger emotion
remember law of emotion the stronger
emotion will dominate and overpower the
weaker
emotion this brings us to the fourth
major cause of stress and tension in our
lives and it's number four considered to
be perhaps one of the most important or
the worst of all fears the fear of
rejection the fear of rejection starts
in early childhood as you know an infant
comes into the world with no fears at
all and the infant comes in needing an
enormous amount of love touching
approval and unconditional acceptance
from his or her parents however parents
in order to direct and control their
children use destructive criticism and
conditional love in order order to get
them to do what they want them to do now
a child who grows up with conditional
love as we talked about earlier a child
who grows up with conditional love that
means the parents say you better or else
if you don't you're going to get it or
if the child makes a mistake and drops
something or comes home late or breaks
something or gets a bad grade the
parents stop loving the child now in
their hearts the parents may not stop
loving the child but the child perceives
that the parents have stopped loving him
or her because the parents turn cold the
parents punish the child the parents
send them to their bedroom whenever I
have to discipline one of my children
and the way we discipline our children
now is we put them in the corner kids
hate to stand in the corner I have kids
that are seven and five and Michael is
one or David is one he's too small to
stand in the corner but what I do is I
tell them this I say I love you very
much but you have to stand in the corner
for 10 minutes or I love you very much
but you're going to have to go to your
bedroom without dessert but I always
tell them that I love them my love is
unconditional but what they did or their
behavior is not acceptable and that I
stand them in the corner so even when
they stand in the corner they know that
I love them and they'll even say that
they'll say I know you still love me
standing in the corner they'll say that
but I have to stand in the corner anyway
so conditional love leads to fear of
rejection fear of rejection leads to as
adults it leads to type a
Behavior now it's interesting men and
women Manifest this fear of rejection in
different ways for men predominantly we
manifest it in type a behavior women
have a tendency to Manifest this fear of
rejection this growing up with
conditional love in four forms one is
depression another is withdrawal a third
is psychosomatic symptoms headaches and
tension and a fourth is hypers
sensitivity hyper sensitivity in that
they are very very concerned about the
opinions of other people they're they
they think and they adjust their
behaviors and actions always in
consideration of what others might think
what others might say now men are
similar to that but men have a tendency
to take out this conditional love this
fear of rejection this lack of being
loved in childhood and type a behavior
which is an aggressive response to life
that is extremely unhealthy and about
60% of men are type A's and about 10% of
women as more and more women enter into
highly competitive occupations more and
more women are becoming type A's too
right now it is a major killer in fact
Dr Kenneth Cooper says that there is no
death from heart disease prior to 870 in
the absence of type a behavior that most
of the work that's been done on heart
disease today unfortunately where they
look at cholesterol and they look at
lifestyle and so on the fact is that
without the stress attention and the
drive of type a behavior type a behavior
was an expression that was de developed
by two heart specialists who found that
most of their patients had a particular
psychological profile they had a way of
acting walking and talking
that was consistent over every single
patient who had heart disease we'll talk
about the opposite type B in just a
second so type a behavior is a killer as
a matter of fact most people who are
true type A's that's about 20 10 20% of
the male population true type A usually
die by the age of about 55 in America
and Canada today about 80% of the money
in our countries is controlled by women
whose husbands burned themselves out and
died young earning it recent study by
Forbes Magazine Dr shy blotnik of Forbes
suggested that most of these women spend
all the money that their husbands earned
before they die themselves and pass very
little on to their families now it's
very very interesting that men work all
their lives burn themselves out kill
themselves with early heart attacks the
women spend the money and at the end of
the woman's life there's nothing left
something to think about you think about
how important it is to amass Fortune
okay so one of what are one are the some
of the characteristics of type a
behavior first characteristic of type a
behavior is what it's called the hurry
sickness the person who has Type A
behavior is always in a hurry they're
always going fast they can't stop they
they're very very impatient they they've
got to get things done they they can't
slow down they don't feel like relaxing
they have this hurry sickness and
they're continually on the goal on the
goal on the goal number two is they have
what is called insecurity of
status insecurity of status because of
again going back to Childhood insecurity
of status means that no matter how much
they accomplish they never relax no
matter how many promotions they get or
how much money they make they never
think think that they're good enough
they never have this feeling of
unconditional love so they're
continually striving for by the way
where does unconditional love come from
almost invariably from the Father the
father is the predominant figure and
most of us for one reason or another had
fathers that didn't give us the quality
and quantity of unconditional love we
desire and very often we find ourselves
striving in life even after our parents
have died were striving somehow to earn
their approval by succeeding or
succeeding more or succeeding more it's
also another example of type a behavior
is continually striving for
performance is we're very performance
oriented but its performance to some
undetermined high standard and this is
the key to some undetermined high
standard what does that mean it means
that no matter how well we do we're
never satisfied because the standard is
undetermined is we not said that if we
achieve a certain standard we'll be
satisfied what we do is we continue to
try to perform and every single time we
achieve any kind of a goal we raise the
bar and then we raise the bar higher we
keep raising the bar we keep raising the
bar and we keep running it's like having
your quota expanded or increased every
single time you hit a goal so the quota
keeps growing and growing and growing a
fourth characteristic of type a behavior
is
competitiveness competitiveness which is
generalized toward almost every
body interestingly uh let me go over
here while they while they clean the
board with regard to competitiveness
you'll find that there is what is known
as lack of discrimination in
competitiveness a person who is a type a
behavior who is a type A competes
against everybody for everything they
don't have the ability to set priorities
to say now this is a key area for me to
Exel in but this is not particularly
important they compete for parking
spaces they compete for on the freeways
they compete for a place in the elevator
they compete for a place in the
restaurant they compete to uh work with
a large customer they compete to work on
a small job they have the inability to
discriminate between what is an
important area to do well in relative to
others and what is an unimportant area
to do well in relative to others so be
alert to this competitiveness where
we're always comparing ourselves
favorably or unfavorably with other
people and de R it said neither compare
thyself with others for you always find
others who are better than you and you
that you will feel inferior and others
who are worse than you and you'll feel
Superior the type A is always comparing
themselves with other people and
especially he or she Compares himself
with people on their own level they have
a tendency unfortunately to step on the
people below them they have a tendency
unfortunately to be preoccupied with
their bosses and the opinion of their
bosses because the typ A's boss takes on
the role of the parent as they go from
childhood to adulthood as they go from
the family to the workplace they go from
trying to earn the approval of the
parent to trying to earn the approval of
the boss and they become preoccupied
with the boss's opinion so number five
is aggression is the type A is
aggressive and in conjunction with that
hostility the type A is angry the type A
is angry because it goes back again to
infancy to Childhood where the type A
just never got the love that he or she
required and was angry as a child and is
now Angry as an adult a sixth
characteristic of type A is that the
type A is thing oriented versus people
oriented it's thing oriented especially
in terms of numbers the type A is
concerned with money cars home status
publication sales production figures
earnings and so on not particularly
person oriented as a matter of fact as
far as the type A is concerned there are
three types of people there are people
who can help him or her and those are
the people which he is very very careful
with there are people who cannot help
him or her those people he will step on
be rude to be snobbish with and then
there are the people who are neutral and
those people he just ignores now
interesting oh and go there's one other
category there's people who can be
threats or who are competitive threats
to him those are people that he he or
she will use mackoi and diabolical
tactics to try to undermine and to hurt
this goes back into all the work in
management that we see macu Val in
management and number the type A takes
no time off so the type A feels that he
or she is on a treadmill Mill and that
if he here or she slows down especially
he someone's going to catch him so even
on the weekends they work even on
holidays they work even when they travel
on an airplane they're always working
they never stop working because they're
afraid somebody might be gaining on them
well what happens to typ a according to
our research we find that two things is
that typas tend to Die Young we said
that before they tend to be unhappy they
tend to feel that they are on a in a rat
race they tend to feel that they are
being driven by external circumstances
and this is the typ A's career path this
is time and this is money is the amount
of money position power Prestige they
earn this is the amount of time the type
A's career path tends to be like this
they rise very rapidly at the beginning
of their careers and they are used and
there are some companies that the test
for and tire and hire only type A's but
at a certain point they start to burn
out they start to flatten out and they
flatten out for a reason it's because
the people up above who know what's
going on don't want them any higher in
the company and the people down below
whom they stepped on will not help them
or support them now the type B is
different the type B's career path is
more like this this is the B this is the
a the typ B's career path has a slower
rise but it's steady and continuous and
here's the key the type B focuses on
performance and performance is the key
to success in the world of work the type
A focuses on politics and politics only
works until the political structure
changes and it always does well if
you've recognize yourself as a type A
how do you stop being a type A and start
move toward being a type B I'm more
relaxed high performance more creative
more people oriented person well it's
very simple step number one is admit
that you're a type A admit it most
people won't admit that they're type A's
but once you admit that you're a Type A
number two and some people say I a type
A I'll be dead before I'm
55 once you admit it decide the change
make the decision to
change and once you've made the decision
to change play the taped
affirmation that we provide for you
taped affirmation twice daily if you
play the taped affirmation twice per
day you will stop being a type a
behavior a type a person you'll go from
being a type A to being a type B
now one final point if somebody says
what's the difference between Type A and
workaholic so and so is a workaholic so
and so is a type a very very simple the
workaholic is very different from type
A it's almost like there's a competition
here and how do you tell on the outside
they seem to work with the same amount
of intensity but the difference is
simply this the workaholic is
indirected is directed toward goals and
is self-determined the type A is
externally
driven and feels that they're their
agenda is set by people outside
themselves the workaholic can take time
off this is the test the workaholic can
take time off the type A cannot take
time off if you ask a workaholic what's
the most important thing in your life
the workaholic will almost invariably
say my family my personal relationships
if you ask the type A this say my work
my career my business that's how you
tell the difference between the two and
again the key Behavior you can only
judge by behaviors is the ability to
take time off and spend time on h family
health friendships travel and so on okay
this brings us
to the fifth major condition that
predisposes us to stress tension
negative emotions psychosomatic illness
and early death and it's number five
it's denial
denial means
denial of
reality it's interesting Peter rensky
talked about this in one of his books
many years ago he said that the human
organism is a line organism and in that
we have a tendency to delude ourselves
or to lie to ourselves and one of the
ways that we do it is through denial of
reality we refuse to face reality we
pretend that life is not the way it is
especially we refuse to face un Pleasant
truths and this is worth writing the
refusal to face unpleasant
truths now some of the most unpleasant
truths of our lives have to do with our
talents and abilities our personalities
our relationships and our work is that a
person who's doing poorly in their work
and who doesn't like their work will
often deny it and pretend that it's not
true and the key to overcoming denial
and by the way most psychologists
believe that denial of reality is the
number one cause of mental illness of
course it's tied into all of the others
that we've talked about so far the key
to dealing with denial is very simply
this is to understand where it comes
from we engage in denial because we are
afraid of
embarrassment all cases embarrassment
all cases of denial involve
embarrassment anticipated embarrassment
of some kind they involve what the
Asians call loss of faith
All Occasions of denial require that we
face the truth in our Liv so here are
the keys to using an to understanding
denial number one remember this key to
the philosophy of objectivism reality
is reality is what that means is that
whatever the situation in your life is
it is it's a fact it's a truth and the
facing of it and the sooner you face it
the better off you'll be and the happier
you be number two is that there is
always a price you can pay to be free
from any stress or tension there is
always a price you can pay there is
always a price if you're unhappy for any
reason there's always a price you can
pay and so you have to ask
yourself what is the price and number
three is resolve to pay the
price resolve to pay the
price sooner rather than later because
no matter what you're going to have to
pay it eventually rather than later now
here are the two
questions that you can use to unlock the
key to denial unlock the door of denial
and this is it whenever you feel tense
or unhappy or stressed or you start to
get colds or flu or sniffles or you
start to feel unhappy or you don't sleep
well at night or you start to find
yourself irritable or distracted or
unhappy for any reason at all assume
that there's something in your life that
you're not dealing with assume that
denial is taking place that there is
something that is making you
uncomfortable and you are putting off
dealing with it it is the resistance
it's the not dealing with it that causes
the stress so this is what you do you
simply say what is it in my life that
I'm not facing what is it in your life
that you're not facing right now that's
causing some stress or some disharmony
what is it in my life that I'm not
facing and then don't delude Yourself by
saying well maybe it's because my car is
parked in the parking meter when there's
no money in it or maybe it's because I
didn't have lunch don't delude yourself
immediately ask yourself what's the
worst that could possibly be what is the
worst it could possibly be if you're
married often the worst it could
possibly be is that something is wrong
with your marriage if you have children
something sometimes the worst it could
possibly be is that you're concerned
that your children are turning out wrong
if you're in a job the worst it could
possibly be may be that this is the
wrong job for you but you're afraid to
leave it maybe for men for men this is a
terrible thing but the worst it could
possibly be is that you're not very good
at your chosen career a man who feels
that he's not very good at his work has
a terrible amount of stress going on
inside maybe you've taken a degree you
had a good friend who took a medical
degree eight years qualified as a doctor
found he hated medicine didn't want to
go through for medicine his father had
paid his way his father was a doctor he
plan to be a doctor all his life he's
now 26 years old and he didn't like the
practice of medicine he went through
tremendous stress before he accepted
that so the key is say what is it in my
life that I'm not facing and then
resolve to face it now in Psychology
there's two basic personalities there's
what is called the evader personality
the evader personality is the
personality that doesn't like to face
reality it's always hoping that reality
will go away or something will turn up
or something will change and there is
the confronter now we're taught as
children not to be confronters but the
fact is that the confronter personality
is far healthier than the evader in a
test that they did at one of the recent
at one of the leading universities they
took two groups of students and they
identified them as evaders and
confronters and put them into an
experiment where they were tied up
attached to an electrode by their
fingers and every 60 seconds they got a
shock a mild shock on the finger and
they watched them through oneway mirror
and they found that the evaders would
sit there while the clock was going tick
tick tick tick tick but they would never
look at the clock they would talk they
would make jokes they would distract
themselves but they never look at the
clock and at the end of the experiment
their blood pressure measured from
beginning to end was up over 30% very
high stress the confronters on the other
hand were very different the confronters
do the same thing they talk to each
other they keep their fingers in The
Electro but as the clock came up to 12
and the Shar came they would all be
watching the clock and they would watch
the clock take the shock and then go on
back with their conversation keeping
their eye on the clock all the time at
the end of this experiment their blood
pressure was the same the key to mental
health is to be a confronter not an
evader ask what is the worst it could
possibly be what is it in my life that
I'm not facing and then whatever it is
resolve to face it resolve to pay the
price never trade your peace of mind for
anything the most important rule that
you can learn in life is set peace of
mind as your highest goal and if
something is robbing you of your peace
of mind then the highest responsibility
you have to
yourself is to confront and deal with
the situation and make it
enter the sixth major
cause or condition that causes us stress
tension and negative emotion is anger
we've talked about anger and we know
that anger Depends for its very Genesis
on the phenomena of blaming now why do
we become angry well we become angry
when we perceive and this is the key
when we have a
perception of being aggressed upon when
we have a perception that our
expectations are being frustrated when
we have a perception of fear or pain
when we have a perception or when we
interpret our world when we look at our
world and we say that there is something
out there that is making us a victim you
see in order for us to get angry we must
perceive ourselves as a victim whenever
we perceive ourselves as a victim
there's a powerful urge inside of us to
attack or to
Counterattack in health we call this the
fight or flight response whenever we are
threatened just like an animal this
primordial response of fight or flight
is triggered and we want to do something
however in our society it's usually not
possible retaliation is usually not
possible retaliation is not possible
because uh or because it's not
acceptable the person that we want to
retaliate is bigger than us or is gone
or it's not advisable because the person
who causes us the problem is our boss
our mother-in-law or something else so
if we do not get this anger out of our
system if we don't get it out it builds
up inside the system and it poisons the
system so Dr H syi came up with what he
called gross physical impact activity he
found that any kind of contact
dispelled
anger so he found that if you could
engage in any kind of activity that
involved contact you could get the anger
out of your system he found with your
hands you could hit things he founds
with your feet you could kick
things he found that the the third
method of contact with was voice you
could scream and screaming is a way of
getting anger out of our system and
finally he found that with your teeth
you could bite and when you think of a
particularly violent fight you think of
a fight where people hit kick scream and
bite where people's anger is expressed
in hitting kicking screaming and biting
of course the key to dealing with
everything that we've talked about all
six but especially anger is what we call
the cognitive control method and as we
come to the end of this session here are
the
keys to managing health and stress
remember that stress is positive that
stress that is go directed gives energy
gives Vitality makes us feel terrific
but stress that is directed that is
externally oriented that is a result of
being pressured and driven to do
something is negative it robs us of
energy and it makes us sick it's the
difference between an internal locus of
control goal oriented and external locus
of control external pressures cognitive
control means I am
responsible it means that nobody can
make you feel anything without your
permission that as long as you accept
complete respon responsibility and you
use your mind to stay on top of your
life that you can control the way that
you think can feel also the law of
substitution the law of substitution
says that you cannot think and feel
stressed if you keep your mind on
something positive now what do you keep
your mind on to stay positive this is
the key think about your goals all the
time think about your goals all the time
you see your goals once you've written
them out once you decided what it is you
want and made a plan to accomplish them
when you think about your goals all the
time it becomes a habit when we talk
about habit and we look at anger anger
is also a habit do you know that when
you give into anger it is a mark of
weakness a mark of childishness a mark
of immaturity a mark of insincerity but
it is also a conditioned response that
every single time that you get allow
yourself to become angry you lower your
resistance to anger every single time
that you stop yourself from becoming
angry by accepting responsibility
refusing to blame taking control of your
emotional life you increase your
resistance to anger so it gets to the
point where Sticks and Stones can break
your bones but words will never hurt
you in summary the keys to maintaining a
high quality of inner peace in life
number one condition that robs us of
inner peace is
the lack of goals set clear specific
goals and work on them every day think
about them all the time number two is
incomplete action finish your tasks
carry them through to completion
overcome procrastination number three is
the fear of failure confront your fears
do the thing you fear and the death of
fear is certain number four is the fear
of rejection the way they overcome the
fear of rejection is by moving toward
becoming a tight the personality play
the tape Place greater emphasis on your
relationships be more relaxed live a
more Balanced Life and realize that this
type a behavior this obsessive
compulsive Behavior comes from childhood
experiences that are past now number
four is overcome denial by being willing
to face reality and accept that whatever
it is it is remember there's always a
price you can pay to be free of
something that disturbs you and you
always know what the price is ask
yourself what is it that I'm not facing
and then resolve to face it and finally
anger anger comes from trying to blame
someone else trying to find someone or
something external to ourselves that is
responsible for our own unhappiness the
key to dealing with anger is to accept
total responsibility find ways not to
express negative emotions think
continually about your goals and get so
busy working on something that's
important to you that you don't have
time for any negative ity at all and
finally remember this is that stress is
positive as long as it is goal oriented
and if you develop lots and lots of goal
oriented stress you will accomplish
great things have lots of health and
energy have low levels of physical
ailments and probably live to be 100
